I Said Tapas, Not Topless.

I know this is a strange topic to begin a food blog hosted by Americanmanifest.com.  However, I have only the most patriotic intentions.  Sometimes one has an experience that manifests the inferiority of the American way.  It is during those moments that one should feel comfortable exploiting those inferiorities and emphasizing the superiorities of another way of life for the betterment of society.

I am a huge fan of tapas.  When my friends and I went backpacking through Europe many of my favorite memories were going to a different tapas bar every night and preparing for a night on the town.  We would alternate getting rounds of beers and tapas.  A full round would cost you $5 or $6 American and you get 3 beers and 3 mini burgers, sandwiches and garlic fries.  Switch it up and you can get some fried calamari, Jamon Serrano, fried eggs on toasted rounds, bowl of olives or whatever you can get your little paws on.  If you’re in the mood for something else you can just go for the paella.  They serve it up straight in the cast iron skillet, scorching hot.  You can hear the sizzle, smell the saffron mingling with the various seafood; shrimp, baby squid or anything that was once alive and would not still have eyes attached to its face were you in the States.  The yellow is so bright that it should make you squint.  Instead your eyes widen because you know it’s about to slide down your gullet.  That’s the Spain I know.

Bar Pintxo in Santa Monica west of Los Angeles, is NONE OF THOSE THINGS! One day I read a positive review for Bar Pintxo in Wine Spectator that got me drooling.  So I hyped it up all week and got a couple friends to go with me.  Both of whom traveled with me to Spain.  All of us left completely empty, both inside and in my back pocket.  I even apologized to my friends for taking them there.

At its best, the food was mediocre.  At first sight I got excited.  Everything was plated nicely and fairly creative.  I examined the menu for awhile just because everything looked good and I couldn’t decide.  After the server returned a couple of times I picked out the first round; chorizo and quail egg.  Now, I love chorizo and eggs.  I did not love this.  I looked up at my friend and he got the basic Jamon Serrano with tomato.  We looked at each other and I saw the same thing in his eyes.  My first thought was “I hope the next thing I get is better.”  Next was the Dungeness crab wrapped in smoked salmon.  Only came with one piece for six dollars!  I could have gone to the sushi place across the street and gotten something better in an entire roll for less money.  Stuffed Crimini mushroom with jamon and veggies was alright.  Best tapa on the menu was the bacon wrapped date, but c’mon.  Bacon makes everything better.  They should have put bacon on everything and this would be a better review.

After being disappointed, we decided to go with plan B and try a couple of the other plates on the other side of the menu.  There was a tortilla on display in front of me, or rather a Spanish omelet/frittata with potatoes and onions.  That was alright but the chef who put it in the oven grabbed the wedge with his bare hands instead of using a spatula or tongs.  That turned me off.  Finally as a failsafe, we decided to go for the paella which was one of the specials.  How do you screw up paella?  Saffron is a lot like bacon, it makes everything better.  I’ll tell you how…BY REMOVING ALL OF THE BROWNED CRUSTY RICE PIECES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN.  THAT’S THE BEST PART!  As I said before, in Spain they serve the paella in the pan in which it is cooked.  When you get to the bottom, all that is left is the rice that sticks to the bottom of the pan.  I watched the chef scoop the rice out of the pan and dump it into a smaller iron serving pan that did not sizzle or have crusty rice pieces at the bottom.  The chef might as well have removed my heart from my chest and thrown it in the dumpster out back for a homeless man to collect.  Although they did serve it on a cool little cork hot pad made from wine corks but there was almost no point to that because the serving skillet was not even hot.  Oh and the paella had zero flavor.

On the positive side though there were some good things about Bar Pintxo.  The service was helpful and friendly.  The atmosphere was nice and cozy.  They had Spanish beer, which I always enjoy and brings back fond memories of getting tanked at crazy Spanish clubs.  The wine list was solid and extensive.  I’m also a big fan of Spanish wine mainly because it’s generally cheaper and completely underrated.  I did have a nice glass of Cava.

Overall, the food wasn’t good enough to justify spending the kind of money they want.  I spent around $50 just for myself but I was still hungry and sober.  The real let down was that I went into Bar Pintxo wanting to remember my awesome trip to Spain and that didn’t happen.  The only thing I thought about was how I could make one of those little cork hot pads for myself.

After a few other similar Tapas bars, I have yet to find a decent one in the States.  If you know of any, please help because we do it all wrong.  Tapas are about friendship and casual conversation.  We’ve effectively turned it into a trendy hotspot where the douche-bag in your office goes because he wants seem cool by dropping tons cash like he’s getting a lap dance.  That ain’t right.

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